A Radiant Catalyst. By definition, radiant means sending out glowing beams of light, shining light, characterized by joy or happiness. A catalyst (thanks biology! :) ) is something that speeds up a reaction without undergoing any permanent chemical changes... an accelerator. So.... A Radiant Catalyst... this is the change. Going outside definitions, this name is supposed to signify a change in itself... A radiant catalyst. Ill still be Tony, and always will be Tony at my core. The blog is supposed to accelerate the rate in which I develop myself, discover these feelings inside me I can't decipher, the feelings inside that I can't put to words. Speed up the rate, accelerate the beauty that I believe is locked up inside me. I think this beauty is locked up inside us all, and that we all can unlock it using the right keys.
This is what became apparent in Washington DC over the past couple of days... seeing Gettysburg... literally tens of thousands of casualties... seeing the Arlington National Cemetery... so many heroes who found their purpose and as such are immortalized forever in history.... seeing the Lincoln Memorial in Washington... the man who shook the world and started a new world...A new America. Seeing the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial... just seeing the impact this man had in a matter of years is simply astounding. All of these people have something in common... I believe that they have found their calling and as such once they sung the song that they were born to sing, they became immortal. Imagine if we found this calling? Why we are here? What we were born to do... what we can do to change the world for the better... some people just don't want the world though. They think that we were all born to die... which is true to a point. I believe we were born to die, to make an impact on this world in our short time here. We all need to find this calling, we can unlock this kingdom inside us that is flowing with virtue and beauty in its purest form. This beauty being our calling. Something intangible, we cant see or touch it.... but we can feel it inside us. Our calling, our duty, our purpose.
This blog will accelerate the rate in which I find the keys to this feeling... this kingdom locked up inside me... these feelings must be brought to the surface... I need to put them into words; These feelings I can`t describe. Remember the experiment? Think about it like that... but on a much grander stage. This isn't just about one feeling now, its about me as a whole. Its me trying to figure out who I really am. I am Anthony Mancuso... but what does that even mean? That's what I need to figure out.
So hang on tight, and jump in on this radiant catalyst.
This is it, the moment I have been trying to create for weeks now. This blog is changing. The next time you will read this blog, it will be different. The name I am hiding for now, but you will see. I will change the URL with the blog, so for those who do not access this blog through me posting it on facebook and have it bookmarked... I will post one last post after this one just saying the URL, making sure everyone who wants to stay in the loop, can.
Don't fret. All of the older posts will still be there for you to look at :)
This post won't just be this status update however, it will be a full one. So lets get underway!
So I wanted to talk a bit about the blog's evolution as a whole. Remember my first post? Those faithful readers who have been there with me since day 1? So much has changed since then. First off, if you look at it, its short xD . Many of my posts have been 1700 words +, that one was like 950 or so... I was so nervous back then to post everything that was on my mind... look at me now :P Though back in October when I started I had many more posts-per-month than I do now.... so looking back at that who would like to see shorter posts but a more frequently updated blog? Leave me some input to ponder upon... :)
Now lets skip ahead in time a little, when I posted my highest-read blog post ever. Sick-Dating. Why were people so intrigued to spend their valuable time reading this? It baffles me to this day. That was the first post that I just said "fuck it, im saying what I want today and I don't care what other people will think". I just... talked. Straight from the heart. And every post after that followed through with that example. The couple before it were... experiments... a prologue if you will. Now we are here... the end of the cold day in the sun for Tony.
Speaking of experiments... those few who actually cared enough to go through the archives and stay updated with the blog without me posting the post on social media, finding it without me putting it in front of them, found what was a lengthy experiment. A series of poetry created by yours truly... meant to decipher these emotions chained inside me... and embrace love. As the poems went from sad-depressing-suicidal-narcissistic to deeply in love- overcome with emotion and simply love itself, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that there were people out there who actually cared for once, that actually listened, and didn't just hear me. And even though in the end the desired results of this experiment did not happen at all... I achieved another result... unexpected and welcome.
Then we moved on to the post-experiment era, where my posts revealed what I felt about myself personally, that I am stitched in my own skin, and if I try to break out I will just bleed and feel more pain. That I miss the old days with friends, staying up all night talking about everything and anything, just having a great time... bonding.... playing halo at 4 am :P It is a feeling like no other, let me tell you. Anyways, I also talked about what was happening in the world, such as my view on the whole KONY 2012 situation... by the way people that thing is in 2 days. Anyone still doing that? I doubt it, it really died down. If they were smart they would have done this a week before the event, back when it was still in everyone's mind and important to everyone.
I talked about music and poetry and how I feel about it... I really have covered a lot throughout this blogs life-span so far. What was your favourite moments, favourite articles, favourite poems, favourite things I said? Let me know :)
Lets also talk about the music I have posted... every post. The music I have posted has almost defined my life during that time. When you look back at depressing times... the songs are either really uplifting or really depressing. When you look at happy times the songs are usually really mellow and calm and collecting. When you look at mellow times, the songs were a bit more dramatic on both sides of the spectrum. I'm looking back at each post as I am writing this actually... looking through each one... its really inspiring for me to see how much I have changed and at the same time how similar I have been for years now.
And how about me asking others to compliment... did anyone actually take on that task and do it? I did, every day even if it was something stupid. It happened, and that's something I can say for sure. Let me know if you complimented someone as well!
And here we are... the end of the ride. The end... the beginning of the end. The end of the beginning is more like it :) This post marks a new kind of blog, a new kind of Tony pouring his heart and soul into these posts that are meaningless to most.. but somehow it keeps me coming back for more. That's something I can't explain, and something I need to discover. In spirit of trying to discover, I will keep writing, I must keep writing. My heart must still beat, I beat it for you.
Hold on, It's not where it goes, It's where it can lead you to...
Hold on, It's not where it goes, It's where it can lead you to...
Hold on, It's not where it goes, It's where it can lead you to...
Hey welcome back to the blog.
First off: I would like to address the title of the blog. I am thinking about changing it, as I have changed and so has the purpose of the blog; not drastically... but enough to rethink the little things in life, you know? The blog title being one of them. So please, let me know about what you think about the matter.
Onward...
Don't make a girl a promise, if you know you cant keep it. That is a classic Halo quote right there (nerd!). This is something that has been bothering me for a while.... We all make mistakes, we all make promises that sometimes we can't keep... but sometimes I think that we make these promises for immediate benefit and trust instead of long-term relationship building.. that we make blind promises that we know that we will probably forget about. What I think about the matter is that as long as you are completely sincere in your promise and make your legitimate best effort to keep the promise then it doesn't really matter if you fulfill that promise... because sometimes it's just downright impossible. Just try you're absolute best to keep the promise... most of the time if you try your best and the promise isn't totally absurd then you should be fine. For Example, you make a promise to never say a certain word again. Odds are, you will blurt it out (and because karma is a bitch, at the worst moment possible). I think this is especially true to the opposite gender or whatever gender suits your fancy. When you are blinded by love, you will say or do anything... which could include promises you know you can't keep. Hence the quote from Cortana, "Don't make a girl a promise, if you know you can't keep it". Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Know your limits, reach those limits, then expand on those limits... never try to exceed those limits. Try your best to keep every promise you make... you owe yourself and whoever you made that promise to at least a honest and sincere effort. Try your best not to make stupid promises either... ones you know you can't keep. One's you make blindly for immediate trust and benefit, not looking at long-term trust and relationship building. Something that always should ring in everyone's head is that we are characterized and we are defined by what we do when no one else is watching, when no one else cares. When you are not trying to impress someone... you should be trying to impress yourself.
War... War never changes. Inspiring words ringing from a game very
close to me, Fallout 3. In a sense, this makes a lot of sense to me. War
will always happen, and at its very core, take away all implications,
its still war. These soldiers bleed for their cause... War will never change... is solidified peace obtainable?
What or who would you
make sacrifices for? The one's you love... who or what do you feel so
strongly about that you are willing to bleed for it/them. You are
willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice. Basically, what is your true
passion? What can make you feel completely different and passionate
about something that nothing else can? Would you do what Goku did, and protect those who you will never meet, out of the goodness of your heart? Sorry about going overboard with the references today, it just makes sense to me.
So what do you think... do you think that war will change? That at its core, war... take away all technologies and implications, will change? Personally, I think that war won't change and sorry to say, I'm pessimistic about war ever stopping. It's going to be the end of us, one way or another. What I remain optimistic about, is how these wars will be fought, or even how we will stop some of these wars from happening in the first place. War is brutal the way it is now... death, violence, destruction, extremely cost-heavy. Maybe one day war won't be fought with violence, but with words... I doubt it but its a possibility and you have to remain optimistic about that. Also with the efforts around the world from countries like Canada and Norway, maybe we can prevent some of these wars from starting in the first place... maybe war is just natural. At some point, we are going to over-populate the Earth and maybe war is human-instinct to stay alive... the irony in that eh?
Remember, this is all opinion. This is what goes on in my head... well this is the end product. There's a straightening process with the hurricane that is my thoughts :P
So just a quick update on the songs I have been trying to record and post... One is almost done! It takes a lot of time to record a version I am satisfied with... I expect a lot from myself so it probably takes a lot longer than it should. I am by no means talented, but I want to shake it up a little.
Song of the day is by Linkin Park and Shinedown. Linkin Park's song is Shadow of the Day off Minutes to Midnight (im sure you have heard it) and Shinedown's song is I'll Follow You off Amaryllis
Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
Shinedown: Ill Follow You
That's it. Thank you for reading and hopefully listening... I wonder if people even listen to the songs...
Today's post...death...among other things. Depressing? I prefer to remain optimistic about death. Here is what I think about it.
Before I say what I think about it... what do you think about it? When you die, what happens? Do you live in a spiritual realm (heaven, hell, Wisconsin, whatever you want to call it), are you reincarnated into another animal, a tree, another human with its memory wiped with no prior knowledge from the previous life? Maybe we all just rot in the ground... in a state of literal no feeling.
No feeling.. humans are always feeling. If you are wearing clothes, the contact that the clothes are making with your skin providing a feeling, its just that we are so used to it that we feel it, but mostly in our sub-conscience... imagine no feeling at all. Thinking is a feeling... what would that be like? It's hard to imagine...
What about being reincarnated into whatever form... human or non-human. Is that really possible? Is science getting in the way of this.. we can't completely rule it out. We don't know what energy exactly is... what if human's are just energy? Remember energy cannot be created nor destroyed only transferred into different forms. If that holds true, and if humans are just a big lump of energy (I know that we require energy, so why would we be energy... just go with it :P) then when we die our energy would not be lost, only transferred into a different form. I'm just rambling, thinking out loud... but that's what this blog is about.
When I think about death... I personally think about me having been reincarnated from something or someone and that I cannot recall or identify what that was. Now I know what you're thinking, Tony you're a moron, a nincompoop... but this is what I think. If you have been a constant reader of this blog, you know that from the post named "stitched in this skin" that I feel like I have been trapped in this body, or that I don't belong, that I don't fit. My body doesn't fit the sub conscience Tony that is inside me...I can't help wondering about the possibility of me being someone else in the past. That's just me personally.
So I can't really feel bad about death in the end, not even really scared... only limited. Our time is so short, and there is so much unknown in death. To me, its like the first breathe you take and the clock just starts ticking.
Ok, lets get out of that. Might be depressing for some, so lets talk about something a little bit lighter eh?
So for those who know about this... Washington is 3 weeks away tomorrow! Going to be such a sick trip with my buds, its going to be hilarious. Anyone else who is reading this and going, you know what I mean... I know people will probably like the New York trip more... But I always wanted to go to Washington... such an interesting city.
Also, I'm going to Disney World in Florida like 2 days after I come back from Washington! I'm truly blessed this year... and even with the heartbreaks, the letdowns, the leafs and jets not making the playoffs... I think this will help me take my mind off things.. something I clearly need. My mind is a hurricane 90% of the time... the last 10% im sleeping.
Who wants to go to Alaska? Always been my dream.
I want to skydive as well. In fact, that's how I want to go out if you know what I mean... dying. I want to have my life end on my own terms... It's a long story, if you want to know more, ask me!
Now... the biggest issue with me recently has been my timing. You don't even know, it has been so bad as of late. I go on Facebook, see someone on chat, literally click on their name and they go offline.... that has happened every single day this week and most of last week. Just ridiculous. Not just Facebook chat either. In real life too, this has happened. See someone down the hallway, want to talk to them, as I stand up, haven't even taken a step, they stand up and walk away. Many other examples, but I won't bore you. Maybe I already have though.
Another thing... I saw this on the news. Apparently the world is running out of helium. Very important to many things on earth, including us. But we are running out... why? Balloons is a big reason, not even joking. Weird. So stop making helium balloons and just use air and hang them from the ceiling... basically the same thing.
And last thing I will talk about because I know this one is random as hell... Prom. Yup, Prom. It's coming up fast. Very fast. Lo and behold, a decision needs to be made. Am I going to go? If I go, will I have a date. If I go, will I even try to dance? That would be a disaster lol, oh well. You have to make fun of yourself to have fun with others. That's what I find, you need to learn to laugh at yourself. I make a fool out of myself constantly with my friends, and I have a good time.
Last thing I swear... Poetry.
Recently I have been hit with what some call writers block. Me, I call this an evolution. I have been trying to write poetry and I have had some success in creating some that I am satisfied with... Not going to lie I end up tearing up 9/10 of my poems because even if others might think its good, im not satisfied with them. It doesn't represent Tony, who I am, what I stand for, what I love. I have been stuck for weeks on end now, nothing I have been writing has been making any progress at all... so here I was... trying to write poetry right... and then I realized... that I was trying to write poetry... you know what I'm saying? Then I just started writing... not even really thinking... just going with what was on my mind, what theme was portrayed in my thoughts, or even the song that I was listening to. And though the results have been not as great as I thought they would be... I can honestly say that I am satisfied with most of them, regardless of how they turn out. A lot of these ideas don't make sense until I stop trying to make sense of it and just let it sink it, then it hits me. Will I start posting more poetry on this blog? Will the experiment be continued? Well... as of right now I have no intention of doing that, I'm just sharing these with friends and people I can trust... not that I can't trust you if I know you and you are reading this... but its the internet... anyone could read it. The ones I posted before I just posted and experimented and I saw what happened. Now its different though... I guess in the future Ill come to a decision. For now, it's not a pressing matter.
That's it for today... sorry for the randomness :P
Song of the day is by Linkin Park, off their album Minutes to Midnight. Did you hear that their new single is coming out on the 16th? I'm freaking pumped, new album this summer WOOO! Anyways, here is In Between by Linkin Park
Thank you all for reading another blog on Tony's Cold Day in the Sun!
Compliments, remember em.
Ciao
