Remember the Name

I claim to know plenty of people, and plenty of people claim to know me. I am lucky to say that I have a very wide variety and generally wide-in-numbers friend base. I think I am on good terms with a lot of people, and I hope that they could say the same for me. It hit me, why would people even think about remembering me? Even think about me or what I've done?

Say in 30 years or so there is a high school reunion. When I walk through those doors would people even remember me? Would people be like " Oh hey, there's Tony! I remember him!", or would people be like "Who is this again?". What have I done to make people care? Whose life have I even made an impact on? What will I be remembered for? What will become of this fucking fog that never fades away? I have no clue where I'm going or what will become of who I think I am, and what will others store away of their past experiences with the self-challenged Anthony Francesco Mancuso... or Tony Mancuso... or whatever you would like to think of me. You know what I can say... I will never forget my true friends and I hope to God that they will never forget me, but will others remember me? I can't recall making a big difference in anyone's life outside my immediate friend group or friend group that has drifted away somewhat. What will you remember me for? Certainly not this blog, certainly not my mediocre freelance poetry.

What is this post even about? I don't know, I'm just writing. Making an impact, leaving a positive impression, leaving positive long lasting memories, making long lasting... life lasting friendships with those you care about... it's what is on my mind.

Don't say things that you don't mean.
Don't call me something that you don't believe I am to make me feel good about myself.
 Truth would help me. Why can't people be honest with me? Don't I at least deserve that?

With what I have done so far, not many. But you know what? If you think this post is a big lets watch Tony bash himself post, you are wrong. I think that the people who will remember me are remembering me for good reasons, and genuinely want to remember me. Its not quantity its quality, and I think that I have the quality part down. Maybe I should work on the quality though. Maybe we all could work a little more on the quality.

So I got a 98% on the project I got back today, I got a total of 67/68, one mark wrong. I thought I would be happy, but I just felt this feeling inside like something's missing. I was satisfied with my mark, and in Grade 12 I have been satisfied will all of my marks so far, but that is not enough apparently. Besides my immediate friend group, very... I mean VERY few people even make an attempt to talk to me. I have made little to no connection with anybody. I know some of these people, they don't even say hi anymore.... not since grade 11. I don't know what happened, but whatever did it ruined what I have worked so hard to build. People's trust and good opinion of me. Their opinion of my friendliness.

If you are reading this post, congratulations. I'm not posting this, if you find it it's on your terms, your interests, and that shows something to me. I'm posting this to vent, I'm posting this to maybe open up people's eyes about themselves as well, so that they can truly appreciate the good and maybe see the bad as well, maybe even the pointless.
You see, this post was about identifying my weakness, my strengths, what people will not remember me for... this is important for identifying what people will remember me for. I maybe if you can decipher what my mind was trying to do here, you could do the same. I had writers block, I still do. But this is as close as it gets to launching an offensive on this.

I could list many regrets in my life... but I prefer to overlook a lot of these. If I didn't I would be pretty miserable. I try to only see the best in me, and the best in others too. If I had one regret... it would be trying to be someone I wasn't for so many years. It wasn't until last summer that I realized that It doesn't matter what other people want me to be, I am me and I decide who I am on my own terms. I have a fantastic group of friends that I am lucky to have... so fucking lucky I don't deserve them... but what I don't have is an image. something a lot of other people have. Here is a question... when you think of Me, Tony... what do you honestly think? What are the first thoughts that come to your mind? I can't think of anything... can you? Help me out here, maybe this entire post was a waste. If you are even reading this far... congratulations. You are one step closer to understanding Tony's Cold Day in the Sun.... or maybe one step further. I don't expect many to read this, read this far, or even understand the purpose of this... I don't know. This is it though. That is this.